I'm Fine, but You Appear to Be Sinking Read online

  STORIES BY LEYNA KROW

  I’m Fine,

  But You

  Appear

  to Be

  Sinking

  Copyright © 2017 by Leyna Krow

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except for review.

  Versions of the following stories have previously been published:

  “I’m Fine, But You Appear to Be Sinking” in Santa Monica Review; “Tiger, Tiger” in Sou’wester; “End Times” in Ninth Letter; “Katie Eats Boston Cream Pie at A Motel Diner in Southeast Portland” in South Dakota Review; “Habitat” in The Southeast Review; “Excitable Creatures” in Southern Indiana Review; “Disruption” in Hayden’s Ferry Review.

  Published by

  featherproof books

  Chicago, Illinois

  www.featherproof.com

  First edition

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2016951498

  Print ISBN 978-1-943888-0-85

  Ebook ISBN 978-1-943888-1-22

  Edited by Jason Sommer and Naomi Huffman

  Design by Zach Dodson

  Proofread by Sam Axelrod

  For my mom, and my dad

  Table of Contents

  I’m Fine, But You Appear to Be Sinking

  Spud & Spud II (Lt. Colonel Olstead)

  Tiger, Tiger

  Spud & Spud II (Caroline)

  End Times

  Spud & Spud II (Parker Jr.)

  Katie Eats Boston Cream Pie at a Motel Diner in Southeast Portland

  Spud & Spud II (Lt. Colonel Olstead)

  Habitat

  Spud & Spud II (Parker Jr.)

  Excitable Creatures

  Spud & Spud II (Caroline)

  Disruption

  Spud & Spud II (Lt. Colonel Olstead)

  Mr. Stills’ Squid Days

  Acknowledgments

  Index of Things to Come

  Action figures

  Apple-tree-as-mom

  Astronauts

  Backyards

  Babies

  Anticipation of

  Loss of

  Nostalgia for

  Speculation about

  Basements

  BMX bikes

  Boats

  Bodies of water

  Kern River

  Monterey Bay

  Pacific Ocean

  Palouse River

  Puget Sound

  River Ganges

  Breakfast foods

  Cakes/pies

  Cats

  Jungle cats

  Lost cats

  Colleges

  Cabrillo Community College

  Indiana University

  University of Michigan

  University of Nevada, Reno

  University of California Santa Cruz

  Conversations with neighbors

  Dead parents

  Deliberate movement of small rocks

  Dogs/Dog-like-animals

  Dog-as-dad

  Dogs that bite

  Dog on a boat

  Dreams

  Environmental catastrophes

  Acceleration of Earth’s rotation

  Disruption of tides

  Earthquake

  Invasive species

  Tropical storm

  Volcano

  Fences (or lack thereof)

  Fish-out-of-water (literally)

  Fish-out-of-water (metaphorically), throughout

  Gravitational force of the Earth

  Changes in

  Perception of

  Internet research (futile)

  Journalists

  Cubicle-dwelling

  Lost at sea

  Unemployed

  Libraries

  List-making

  Maps

  Of oceans

  Of stars

  Marine biologists

  Naming of people/pets

  Newspapers/Magazines

  National Geographic

  Popular Anarchist Quarterly

  Santa Cruz Sentinel

  Spokesman Review

  Northwest, The

  Coastal

  Inland

  Octopuses (in some cases, also see “Squid”)

  Phone calls

  Answered

  Unanswered

  Sea captains

  Fraudulent

  Historical

  Sex

  Alone

  Imagined

  Interrupted

  Overheard

  Prospects of

  Ship-board communication systems (failure of)

  Snakes/serpents

  Space shuttles

  Squid

  Teenagers

  Gifted

  Horny

  Lost at sea

  Sullen/morose

  Trouble in kitchens

  Uncomfortable encounters at the grocery store

  Unemployment

  Unidentifiable animals

  Vegetarianism

  Visions of the future

  I’m Fine,

  But You

  Appear

  to Be

  Sinking

  From the notebook of Captain C.J. Wyle, February 1

  It’s just me, Gideon, and Plymouth now.

  Strangely, the Artemis seems smaller with only the three of us onboard. At ten people, our 112-foot trimaran felt spacious, with plenty of room for everyone to go about their respective tasks. There was a constant human hum, but we weren’t on top of each other.

  Now Gideon and I can’t seem to escape ourselves and Plymouth is always under foot. His barking echoes through the narrow hatchways. Shrunken—that’s how this whole arrangement feels.

  The Pacific Ocean, however, is the same size it’s always been.

  I don’t want to admit anxiety or desperation. That seems unprofessional. But if the boat has moved in recent days, it has been by its own accord and certainly not in any productive direction. We lack the necessary manpower and know-how. I try not to blame Gideon for this. He is, after all, only an intern.

  So far, I’ve managed to avoid making hasty decisions. Inaction, for the time being, seems the safest course of action. The trip has been so marred already by the pitfall of optimism.

  When the others started making their preparations, the clouds were high. By the time they had descended and darkened, the inflatable skiff, Righteous Fury, had already been lowered off the stern of the Artemis and into the sea. The protest banners were unfurled and the megaphone batteries charged. It occurs to me now that reasonable men with reasonable aims would have called for a rain check. That’s the problem with radicals—they rarely take weather into account.

  Gideon had been left behind to keep watch. Together, we observed from the bow as the skiff containing our eight crewmates set off after a whaling ship of unknown nationality. Gideon held a digital video camera. His face was a wide grin.

  “Civil disobedience is the highest form of civic participation,” he informed me.

  I asked whether the maxim still applied in ungovernable waters where there is no civil or civic anything to speak of. Gideon shook his head and told me that right and wrong transcend international boundaries.

  The whaling ship had been spotted near the horizon that morning by Gideon himself. It was the first encounter of the trip and the crew’s excitement was palpable. I watched as they readied themselves, speaking hurriedly, faces flushed. They knew how to say, “You are in violation of the Endangered Species Act and International Whaling Convention” in thirteen languages. A few had
worked out phrases of their own such as, “How would you like to be harpooned?” and, “Every humpback is someone’s child.” Though technically it would be more accurate to say, “Every humpback is someone’s calf,” but I suppose that doesn’t have quite the same ring.

  If the banner waving and slogan shouting did not convince the whalers to turn back, I’d been told by certain crew members that they were prepared to board the rogue vessel. No one would say what might happen once they were inside.

  Did this necessity ever come to pass? We’ll never know. The skiff was not yet in shouting distance of the whalers when the sky, already gray and noisy, closed in on us, obstructing our view of the only other souls Gideon or I knew in the entire hemisphere. For the next five hours, we were no more than a buoy, bobbing alone in the sputtering froth of warm rain and salty wind.

  When the clouds lifted, the whaling vessel was gone from the horizon and so was the skiff Righteous Fury.

  It should be noted that the day of the storm, it was Nelson’s turn in the galley. Gideon and I were unable to reach an amicable agreement as to who should pick up the slack and make dinner. And so we simply went without eating.

  Now, I have designated Gideon as the all-time breadwinner, and baker (if I may be so bold as to extend the analogy). There are plenty of canned goods in the galley, but the supply is certainly not infinite. I suggested we ought to supplement these items with fresh fish. This part of the ocean is rich with life, after all. Gideon was not initially pleased with the idea, claiming he is an ultra-strict vegan and refuses to eat anything that casts a shadow. I told him this was no excuse for shirking his responsibility to the remaining crewmembers, myself and Plymouth specifically, but he insisted. So I’ve had to find other ways of motivating him.

  “Gideon,” I say when I get hungry, “catch me some fish, or I’m going to kill your dog and eat it.” He practically jumps for his pole every time.

  The same threat works for getting other tasks done as well.

  “Gideon, straighten the lines, or I’ll kill your dog and eat it.” “Gideon, empty the bilge, or I’ll kill your dog and eat it.” “Gideon, bring me the binoculars...” You get the idea.

  Unfortunately, this ploy may have a limited lifespan. Gideon has already succeeded in hiding almost all the knives onboard and has begun removing cleats and other metal affixtures from the deck for good measure.

  From the notebook of Captain C.J. Wyle, February 4

  There’s been no wind for days, as if the ocean wore itself out swallowing our comrades. I lick my lips and feel nothing against them. It’s almost a relief. I know my limitations.

  I wish I could say the same for my shipmates.

  Gideon paces the deck in the heat of the afternoon, Plymouth always nearby. He fiddles with ropes and cranks and looks expectantly toward the sky and then down into the water. He wants to know what we are going to do.

  I keep telling him there are Quaaludes in my toiletries kit and grain alcohol in the galley and we can worry about further logistics once those are gone. He finds this answer unsatisfying.

  From the notebook of Captain C.J. Wyle, February 5

  At noon, Gideon called to me, saying I should come up top with him to look at the octopus. But I stayed put. I’ve seen the octopus before and what’s more, as I’ve already told Gideon, it’s not an octopus. It’s a giant squid. Octopuses don’t get that large.

  Gideon believes it’s an omen, a harbinger of good luck. We first saw it the day after the storm—a shimmering, near-translucent mass passing beneath us. It was gone in an instant, but the goose bumps on my arms lingered for half an hour. Now, the squid stays longer, hovering under the Artemis, doing God knows what.

  Gideon thinks the creature has come to comfort us in our time of loss. I think it’s stalking us. It senses our weakness and is biding its time.

  I hear its tentacles pressing against the hull at night. Suction cups attaching and releasing, toying with its prey until the right moment. It would eat us whole in the crunchy wrapping of our fiberglass boat if it could.

  From the notebook of Captain C.J. Wyle, February 7

  It should be known that I am not Captain C.J. Wyle.

  True, this is his journal. But I commandeered it after the storm, ripped out his notes on the trip thus far (going well, he felt), and dropped them overboard in hopes that they might meet up with their original owner.

  It’s not that I don’t have notebooks of my own. I do. And pens, and a camera, and a digital voice recording device—all the necessary tools for a member of the fourth estate.

  My assignment, for Popular Anarchist Quarterly, was to accompany the team from a newly formed oceanic protection agency (as they like to be called) on their maiden voyage. The organization, operating under the handle Save Our Sea Mammals, or SOSM, is in its infancy, but its organizers are hardly unknowns in the world of nautical activism. In fact, just last year, I did a profile on SOSM founder Erica Luntz for her work in various West Coast ports of call sabotaging naval icebreakers bound for the North Pole. These boats, it seems, present a terrible danger to both polar bears and their adorable prey.

  The story was a hit with Popular Anarchist readers and my editors were keen for a follow-up with Luntz on her newest venture. For five weeks of embedded reporting, I was promised the cover and an eight-page spread.

  Does this seem like a lot to go through for top billing in a niche magazine? Perhaps. But let me assure you, Popular Anarchist is the premier journal for radical discourse. It’s a thoughtful publication. No syndicalist screeds or dirty bomb recipes to be found in its pages. Rather, it promotes a more moderate approach for smashing the state.

  So this is kind of a big break for me. Especially because—I’ll be the first to admit—I am not a very good reporter. I have a tendency to sacrifice accuracy for style. I’d rather write something that sounds good than something that’s true. I never lie. But I do embellish. For example, whenever I am writing about a group of people coming together for any purpose, I always like to say, “a crowd gathered,” no matter how many people there really were, crowd-like or not.

  I hope you can see then why I might want to keep a record of these events separate from my work. It’s a matter of clarity and veracity.

  From the notebook of Captain C.J. Wyle, February 8

  Around noon, a crowd gathered at the stern. Someone had spotted something. Gideon, Plymouth, and I stared out at a single blemish in the otherwise unmarred blue of the stupid endless sky. The blemish appeared to be moving toward us.

  “It’s a plane,” Gideon said with the real excitement of someone who really believes he’s looking at a real airplane.

  He took off his bright yellow SOSM t-shirt and waved it above his head.

  I looked up at the thing, silent and encased in atmosphere. Even far away it was too small to be a plane.

  “It’s only a bird,” I said. “Probably an albatross.”

  “No. There’s no such thing as an albatross,” Gideon countered, still whipping his shirt around. “They’re just something Disney made up for that movie about the mice who go to Australia.”

  “You’re thinking of pterodactyls,” I said. “And The Land Before Time wasn’t a Disney film. It was Spielberg.”

  “Pterodactyls? No, you’re thinking of mastodons. And that’s not even the right movie anyway.”

  “A mastodon doesn’t fly,” I corrected. “It’s like a woolly mammoth. There’s no way that is a mastodon.”

  I pointed to the object in the sky for emphasis, but it was gone.

  From the notebook of Captain C.J. Wyle, February 9

  This has to be the sleepiest dog on Earth. Or at least the sleepiest dog in the Pacific Ocean. I’m watching Plymouth nap in the skinny shade of a portside fender. It’s not the rabbit-chasing-dream kind of dog nap. I’d take him for dead if not for the gentle rise and fall of his rib cage.

  Has there been a change in his behavior since the storm? Before, I didn’t pay him much attention beyon
d the passing pat on the head. Clearly, he’s upset. But is it just the weather (too hot for so much fur), or does he sense the gravity of his circumstances?

  Gideon says Plymouth is part Saint Bernard. Funny, I would have guessed beagle. It’s in the markings, not the size, Gideon insists. I insist that if Plymouth is a Saint Bernard, he ought to do a better job of rescuing us and bringing me tiny barrels of brandy while we wait.

  In the evenings, Plymouth wakes up and sticks his head through the guardrails, barking from time to time at something below us neither Gideon or I can see. Phantom sea-mailmen? I have suspicions otherwise and it makes the hair on the back of my neck rise like the first touch from something deep-water-cold and deliberate.

  From the notebook of Captain C.J. Wyle, February 14

  I have come to suspect two things about Gideon. First, I suspect that Gideon is not his real name. It’s a terribly inappropriate handle for someone so gawky, so freckled, so sullen. Even when he was in the womb, his parents must have known better. I broached this subject delicately this morning while we were sunning ourselves topside, or as he likes to call it, “Keeping lookout for rescue parties.”

  “Was Plymouth always called Plymouth?” I asked.

  Upon hearing his name, the dog moved his tongue back into his heat-addled mouth and wagged his tail.

  “What do you mean?” Gideon asked.

  “What I said. Has this animal, now or prior, in this state or any other, been known by a different name?”

  “Yeah. When I got him from the shelter he had another name,” Gideon said.

  “And you elected to change it on his behalf? Did you consult with him first?”

  “He’s my dog, I can call him what I want.”

  I conceded this was fair.

  “Besides,” Gideon said, “some names are just stupid names.”

  “Such as?”

  Gideon tousled the dog’s too-long ears.

  “Andrew, for one,” he said.

  “That is indeed a terrible name for a dog,” I agreed.

  I asked him how he’d settled on the new title instead.

  “It’s from the Bible,” Gideon said. He said it the way little boys state facts they believe ought to be obvious to everyone everywhere and how could you be so dumb?

  This is the other thing I suspect of Gideon, that he is not of age. What age he isn’t of, I can’t be sure. Certainly not of drinking age. Voting age, maybe. That he is not yet of shaving-regularly age doesn’t help his case. We’ve been rationing water for ten days and the best he’s managed in that time is some chin scruff.